Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
