look no pants
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
