They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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