If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have fence marks all over my body
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
