how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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