Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
MIDGETS
????
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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