There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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