I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Soap is not a condiment
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
