i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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