Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
