why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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