i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
