Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
