Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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