Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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