If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
