Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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