i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
