ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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