I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
