well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
