i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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