I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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