Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
