Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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