My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
