Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
