Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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