i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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