Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
