Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
