I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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