Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
