but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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