shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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