matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
