dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
