Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
