you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
