apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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