Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
