Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you traded sex for a burrito?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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