After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
