i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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