I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
