lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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