This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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