Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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