I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Let's get the cat blown out
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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