i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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