I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
