When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Randomize
