No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Who died my cat blue again?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
