I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
