I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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