youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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