How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
