I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to calm my uterus...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
