Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
