Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize