You made me cry and you don't even care
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
